


Thirsty Tim and the Troubles of Teen Dating

by Living_Free



Series: Slip and Slide [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Big Brother Dick Grayson, Big Brother Jason Todd, DaddyBats, Fluff, M/M, Puppy Love, batbros, batfamily, horny Tim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-07 17:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13439769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Tim has a boyfriend whom he loves very much, thanks for asking.However, it’s not always easy to handle a relationship while being a vigilante, a team leader, brother to four absurdly protective siblings, and a father who jates your boyfriend’s guts.Set during the events Slip and Slide, and acts as an epilogue of sorts. Get ready for Timmy’s teen hijinks as he battles to get laid, and Dick tries his best to have supportive conversations about love and safe sex!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter One is set before the boys bring Bruce back, so they still think he’s dead. On the other hand, it’s probably a good thing that Bruce wasn’t there for the following conversation.

It was definitely jarring for Jason to walk into Bruce’s old bedroom, only to see Dick slouched in an armchair by the light of a crackling fire, the shadows and light dancing merrily across his brooding face. The overall dark, sinister, feel was somewhat diminished by the bowl of cornflakes on the ornate table next to him.

“Oh my god, I think I crapped myself,” Jason announced. “What the hell are you doing here, Dick?”

Dick, who hadn't moved or reacted, kept his eyes trained on the crackling fire. “I'm brooding. This is a nice place for it too - it has a heavy, crushing, ambience. Very gothic, very Bruce. What are you doing here?”

“I'm here to pilfer the good whiskey that Bruce hid in the closet,” Jason explained. “Why're you brooding?”

Dick pointed to a bouquet of wild flowers on the table next to the cornflakes. “These came in the mail.”

“Cute. Who's sending you flowers?”

“Not for me,” Dick said ominously. At that moment, a single bolt of lightning cracked across the lone window and illuminated Dick’s hard expression. “Tim.” Thunder boomed, filling the space between the brothers. “They came for Tim.”

Jason felt ill at ease at the thought of someone sending the caffeinated stringbean flowers. Someone, somewhere, wanted to hit that. Jason shuddered.

“Precisely,” Dick rumbled, getting up to pace in front of the fire. “I've analyzed the flowers, studied the residual soil on their roots for geographic location, and I've come up with one hit: Kansas.”

“Superboy,” Jason concluded. “Superboy wants to bone babybird.”

Dick surged into Jason’s personal space and was nose to nose with him, his eyes popping. “He wants to sully Tim. He wants to whisk Timmy away and soil his purity with his SuperSpunk!”

Jason pushed Dick away and held him at arm’s length. “First off, ew. Second, opening other people’s mail is a crime, Dick,” Jason said sagely. “Tim! You got mail!”

Tim walked in with his hair in disarray, wearing a raggedy Batman t-shirt and boxers, and a fluffy comforter draped around his shoulders. Attached to the comforter was Damian, who was grinning like the Grinch. “Is Drake in trouble? I bet he's in trouble.”

“Nobody’s in trouble,” Dick assured Tim. “Timmy, I received these,” he gestured towards the flowers, “in the mail. Would you please explain why horny Kryptonians from Kansas are sending you flowers?”

“Drake is cavorting with Superman!?” Damian exclaimed, jumping to the worst possible conclusion. “Drake, you power-hungry tart!”

“No one is a tart,” Dick growled. “Tim, why is Kon-El sending you flowers?”

“Because he's my boyfriend,” Tim replied calmly. “I thought you knew.”

“I thought you only said that to get R’as Al Ghul to stop pestering you,” Dick said, sounding troubled. “I didn't know that you were serious. Is Kon-El...”

“He's great, Dick,” Tim assured him. “We’ve only been on a couple of proper dates. Mostly, we just hang at Titans Tower.”

“Okay, so you guys hang,” Jason butted in, “but do you bang?”

“Jason!”

“We’re n-not like that,” Tim stuttered out. “Kon’s a perfect gentleman. He...he...”

“Ooooooo...”

“Shut up, Jay,” Dick snapped. “Tim, is Kon treating you properly? I hope you know that you don't have to do anything that you don't feel like if you're not ready.”

“I know that. Kon said the same thing too,” Tim said shyly. “We’ve been taking it kinda slow, keep the novelty in the relationship, you know? We’ve only kissed a bit, but it was super awkward because we were on the farm, and the cows were kind of killing the mood...”

Jason flopped over, laughing hysterically, while Damian pointed at Tim accusingly. “Repulsive, Drake! You made innocent bovines party to voyeurism!” At that, Jason rolled off of the bed, and onto the floor, clutching his stomach from pain from laughing too hard.

Dick fought back his own amusement and smiled encouragingly at Tim - tiny, angry, paranoid, whip-smart, Tim - who was so clearly head over heels in love with his boy that he didn't know what to do with himself. “Tim, I'm glad that you're happy and safe, alright? Just know that you can always come to one of us if you're having doubts or if you want help.”

“Okay,” Tim said, fidgeting uncomfortably. “I just...can we talk about this outside? It feels weird talking about this in Bruce’s room. It feels like he's judging me from the beyond, like the cows.”

Jason wheezed mirthfully, and stumbled out of the room, a disgruntled Damian on his heels, muttering about “sleazy Drake” and “unnecessary fraternization”. Dick smiled softly and snagged Tim as the boy turned to leave.

“Tim, are you doing better?”

Tim looked uncomfortable, but nodded. “Yeah. Kon helps, you know? I don't depend on him or anything, but it's nice to have someone who wants me after knowing the kind of things that I have going on. He gets it, and he helps out as best as he can. He's patient, and sweet, and he thinks that I'm the best thing under the sun.”

Dick beamed at Tim and watched him talk about how Kon was planning to teach Tim how to make cheese from scratch for their next date, his heart swelling with hope that he would get his happy, enthusiastic, Tim back after nearly losing him. He made a mental note to talk to Kon-El alone, give him a big hug, slip him some condoms, and thank him for helping Tim feel loved.

Maybe not exactly in that order, though. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after Slip and Slide, where Bruce is back and is Batman again. 
> 
> Featuring Clueless Damian, Lewd Jason, and Disappointed Dick.

“Father! Father!” 

Bruce jumped from his seat behind the Batcomputer at Damian’s screams. Patrol was over for the night, and Bruce had decided to indulge himself in his favorite post-patrol activity - report write ups. 

“Father!” Damian screamed, skidding into the cave in full gear, “unlock the kryptonite! The Clone is attacking Drake!”

Bruce jumped up in horror, pulling the cowl back on. “Where?” He growled, racing to the kryptonite safe. 

“In the home theater! I saw the Clone fly in, and then I heard Drake scream! I saw them battling on the floor. Hurry, Drake cannot possibly fend him off much longer!”

Bruce let the adrenaline take over, and thundered down the hallways of his home with Damian hot on his heels. The door to the home theater was locked, and the door would not budge. Bruce snarled at the door, and was startled by another thump and a shrill scream from inside.

“The Clone looked feral,” Damian gasped. “He must be tearing Drake apart!”

“Stand back,” Bruce ordered, and with all his might, he kicked down the door. As the light from the hallway flooded the room, Tim and Kon were revealed - stark naked with Kon pinning Tim to the floor, a rose in between his teeth. 

At the door stood the Batman, his menacing frame silhouetted by the hallway lights, cape billowing out behind him and a kryptonite launcher primed to fire at an unsuspecting Kon. 

Tim screamed and rolled out from under Kon to fling himself behind the sofa, while Kon flopped over and groaned weakly, the exposure to the kryptonite weakening him. 

“Kon!” Tim screamed, running over with a blanket to cover their shame. “Bruce, what are you doing!?”

For the first time in his long career, the Batman blushed, and tucked away the kryptonite gun. Behind him, Robin ran out and kicked Superboy where he lay.

“Damian!”

“Step away, Drake!” Damian yelled, “Batman and I will handle the situation! How dare you attack one of our own, Clone! You will pay!” Damian cried, punctuating his threats with kicks. 

Kon whimpered and curled into fetal position, shielding his modesty and his weakened body from the raving Robin. 

Bruce sighed heavily and stepped into the room, carefully avoiding Tim’s accusing eyes. “Damian, I’ll handle this,” he said authoritatively. “Go and get your siblings to help you prep the medical wing.”

“Yes Father,” Damian replied deferentially before turning to Tim. “What part of you body pains you, Drake?” He demanded. 

Tim squeaked in horror, clutching his suspiciously pink bum. “Oh my god! Bruce, do something!”

“Damian, go,” Bruce ordered sternly, and sent the boy skittering away. After Damian had left, Bruce turned shamefacedly to Tim. “Son, I’m so sorry.”

“How could you, Bruce!?” Tim cried, flinging himself over Kon. “You’ve hurt him! Kon, say something!”

“Tim,” Kon gasped through pained breaths, “I...love you.”

“I love you too, Kon,” Tim cried. “I won’t leave you!”

“You have to,” Kon gritted out, “Don’t mourn me. Be happy, for my sake. Find love again...with...Bart...”

“Kon, no! My heart won’t go on!”

Bruce rolled his eyes and separated Tim and Kon. “That’s enough,” he grunted, heaving Kon over his shoulder. “I’ll take Superboy to the medical bay. Tim, follow me.”

===============

“So let me get this straight,” Jason said, as the family stood gathered around a prone Kon and a blanketed Tim. “You two,” he gestured to Kon and Tim, “were doing,” he made and obscene gesture, thrusting his hips, “and you,” he said, pointing at Bruce, “bust in on them as The Batman.”

“In essence,” Bruce grumbled, watching Tim replace a wet cloth from Kon’s forehead. “Tim, please put on some clothes. Superboy will recover.”

Tim looked up at Bruce with angry tears in his eyes. “You did this to him, Bruce. The one person who loved me, who accepted me for all my goodness and flaws, who helped me cope with the roughest time in my life, and you tried to kill him!”

“As he should have!” Damian piped up. “You are the least of us, Drake, but we would never have you die! How could you think that we would not intervene when the Clone attacked you so brutally!?”

“Oh...my...God...” Jason whispered in awe. “Dick, Dick, he thought...”

“Dami, no,” Dick groaned, kneeling down to be at eye level with his brother. “Kon wasn’t attacking Tim, he was, um, demonstrating his love for him.”

“By ripping his clothes off and pinning him on his stomach like an animal? Down be ridiculous, Grayson!”

Tim whined in horror and accepted Cassandra’s hug, burying his face into her stomach. 

“That’s how people show love sometimes, Damian,” Dick said, trying not to laugh. “It’s something that people who are of age like to do when it’s mutually agreed upon, and it’s even enjoyable, if done right-“

“Superboy was giving Babybird a good dicking,” Jason provided. 

“What does Grayson have to do with this!?”

Tim fell out his chair in horror at the image and sobbed into Cassandra’s lap while Bruce and Dick spluttered incoherently, and Jason roared in laughter. Luckily, Alfred had the presence of mind to intervene. 

“A conversation for when we are all a tad more composed,” he said elegantly. “Master Damian, kindly proceed upstairs and help me to straighten out the theatre room, please,” Alfred asked. 

“Fine,” Damian grumbled, stomping up the stairs. “But you will see to it that the Clone is bound and gagged, won’t you, Pennyworth? He must not be allowed to escape. He must face punishment!”

“Oh my god,” Jason wheezed, “The brat’s into BDSM!”

“Of course, Master Damian,” Alfred replied primly, thwacking Jason lightly on the head. “Master Bruce,” Alfred called as he followed Damian, “remember that cooler heads will always prevail.”

Heeding Alfred’s advice, Bruce took a deep breath before looking down at Kon, who was just starting to come to. 

“Kon!” Tim gasped, cupping his boyfriend’s face, “are you alright?”

“Timmy,” Kon groaned, “you’re safe.”

“Oh, Kon!”

“Tim, baby!”

“My wingless angel!”

“My spleenless sweetpea!”

“Enough!” Bruce thundered, glaring at the couple. “Tim, what is the meaning of this?” He demanded, gesturing to the boys entwined together.

“Kon and I are in love,” Tim said defiantly. “He’s my boyfriend.”

“Bruce, they’ve been dating for the past year,” Dick whispered hurriedly. 

“Yeah, man, they’re legit,” Jason added.

Bruce turned to look at Kon and Tim, who were both smiling sweetly at each other, with Tim stroking Kon’s hair tenderly. 

“Do you realize,” Bruce whispered lowly, “that if this pans out, I’m going to be related to Clark?”

“I thought you’d have more of a problem being related to Luthor,” Jason mused.

“I can deal with Luthor,” Bruce growled ominously. “Clark is a hugger.”

“Dick is a hugger.”

“Dick’s allowed, he’s pleasant,” Bruce countered. “Clark is too warm, and he smells like corn all the time.”

Dick giggled. “You can handle a hug or two for your son’s happiness, can’t you?” 

Bruce looked at the lovebugs again, sighed, and relented. “Of course,” he mumbled. “But I still intend to punish them for nudity in the home theatre.” Bruce turned to Kon and fixed him with a piercing glare. 

“Superboy.”

“Yes sir?” Kon cried, sitting at attention. 

“Explain to me why you were trying to penetrate my son without protection.”

Tim’s face turned a brilliant crimson while Kon looked ready to faint again. 

“S-Sir, I wa-wasn’t-“

“Oh, Tim,” Dick said disappointedly, “even after I gave you the talk?”

“AUGH!”

As everyone cried or cowered around him, Bruce smiled cruelly. 

The Bat was back in charge.


	3. Chapter 3

Another day, another crisis.

The Bats and the entire Justice League has managed to vanquish the latest foe, and were lounging in the Batcave, despite Bruce’s vehement grunting and glaring. After kicking most of them out, he was left with the three Kents - Kal, Kon, and Jon. The only reason that they were allowed to stay was that Jon had fallen asleep, and Dick hissed that he would castrate Bruce if he woke the sweetly sleeping boy up.

That was how Bruce ended up lending Clark some of his nightclothes, and passing around the first aid kit.

“Daddy,” Cassandra piped up, tugging on Bruce’s sleeve, “I’m hurt.”

“Where, sweetheart?” Bruce asked, his favoritism shining through.

Cassandra unzipped her vest and pointed to her right breast, which was bleeding sluggishly from a nasty shrapnel wound. “Ow,” she said pointedly.

Her brothers all yelled and covered their eyes at the horror of seeing family titty, while Clark covered Kon’s eyes and then his own, crying, “Oh me, oh my!” or something to that effect.

Bruce hurriedly draped his cape over his innocent, angelic, daughter and hurried her over to the medbay, leaving the other men and Stephanie to change on their own.

“I need brain bleach,” Jason grumbled. “Stupid sister and her stupid tits.”

“I like them,” Stephanie said. “Very shapely.”

“Bruce never calls me sweetheart,” Dick pouted.

“You have issues,” Tim said to Dick, unzipping his own uniform. “Oh,” he said, struggling slightly with the caught zipper on his back, “I’m stuck.” Suddenly, he had a brainwave.

“Oh, Kon?” Tim called.

“Yes, moonbeam?”

“Can you...unzip me?” Tim asked breathily, turning away from him. “I’m just a bit stuck, and I need a strong pair of hands.”

Tim felt Kon’s large, firm grip steady him with a hand on his bare shoulder, his warm, dry palm pressed to Tim’s hot bare skin. He felt another hand press against the small of his back, where the zip was caught. A strong tug had Tim being yanked up. He lost his balance and stumbled back, falling flush against Kon’s broad chest. They stood there, with Tim’s back pressed against the warm expanse of his boyfriend’s chest, while Kon assiduously tried to undo the stubborn zip.

Tim breathed deeply, cherishing the feeling of his lover holding him like this, with post battle adrenaline coursing through their taut bodies. He felt the zip move, and the rest of his uniform fall away from his torso.

Tim turned to thank Kon, ready with his best bedroom eyes and pouty lips, bracing himself with his hands against his boyfriend’s chest. Tim looked up shyly at Kon through his lashes, and-

-screamed.

Tim’s jaw dropped in horror, his mood evaporating faster than alcohol in a flame, when he looked up and saw Jason’s bemused expression, and registered his calloused, rough hands around his waist.

Meanwhile, Kon was being held hostage by Damian, a kryptonite gun pointed at his chest. Dick was standing to the side, looking incredibly disturbed, while Clark looked scandalized. Stephanie was watching raptly, and looked to be on the edge of her seat.

“Timbo,” Jason said slowly, “were you...putting the moves on me?”

Tim stumbled back, shame and terror coursing through his veins. “I...Kon was...”

“Oh, Tim,” Dick said disappointedly. “I thought that you were better than this.”

“Oh my god,” Jason piped up, “Replacement, you thirsty little thing! Were you giving me bedroom eyes?” Tim sank down to his knees and buried his face in his hands while Jason looked at Dick. “Dick, we need to take this boy to church.”

“First thing tomorrow morning,” Dick vowed, “we’re going to go to church to purify your dirty, dirty, thoughts, Timmy.”

“Kon-El Kent,” Clark gasped, “what would Ma think? What would Pa think? What would the cows think? You were going to milk them with the same hands you were going to use to have...relations!”

Tim crumpled into fetal position while Kon spluttered that the cows really didn’t care, Clark, oh my god, I’m old enough to touch my boyfriend, to which Clark replied, no you aren’t, you were hatched from Luthor’s weird Clone tank five years ago and you still eat fruit loops for breakfast.

Bruce chose that moment to re-enter the room. “What’s going on? Why is Clark crying?”

Damian ran up to Bruce and tugged on his arm. “Father! Father! Drake was going to engage in salacious acts with the Clone, but he performed them with Todd instead!”

“...what.”

“Bruce,” Dick said, flouncing over to him, “do we have a family pastor? We have to take Timmy to church.”

“Dick, we’re Jewish.”

“Really?” Dick asked, clearly surprised.

“Well, I’m Jewish,” Bruce said. “I just assumed that that made the rest of you Jewish as well, seeing as I’m your father.”

“I didn’t know that,” Dick marveled, before returning to the crux of the matter. “But Timmy! Bruce, he’s thinking impure thoughts!”

“I see,” Bruce said thoughtfully. “He’ll have to be supervised. Tim,” Bruce addressed his shamed son, “You will bunk with Damian tonight.”

“What!”

“Damian, keep an eye on Tim, will you?”

“I will, Father,” Damian said, grinning viciously. “Come, Drake,” Damian said, dragging Tim away, “let us retire.”

“Kon-El,” Bruce said, calmly approaching the quaking boy, “you will also be assigned a partner.”

“Yes sir,” Kon said, bowing his head, “I’ll go with Jon.”

“Oh no,” Bruce said, smirking. “You’ll need better supervision. You’ll be bunking with me.”

Clark gasped, Dick squeaked, and Jason guffawed as Kon staggered back. “S-sir please! No!”

“Take your punishment like a man, Superboy,” Bruce grunted. “And for god’s sake Clark, stop crying.”

Defeated, Kon followed Bruce out, while Dick tried to stem the flow of Clark’s tears. In her corner, Stephanie was trying to upload fanfiction to AO3, hoping to garner several thousand views.

After all, sex sells, she justified to herself as she hit the Post button.

===========

Comment on **Red Robin’s Lust** by _IGotBigGuns’nICannotLie_ :

Holy shit, Batgirl, you’re good. If you ever get out of the hero gig, you could totally be a smut writer.

  
Comment on **Red Robin’s Lust** by _I’mJustALoveMachine_ :

Batgirl, stop posting about the family! What if children saw this? What if Robin saw this!?

  
Reply to _I’mJustALoveMachine_ by _SwordsandMachetes_ on Red Robin’s Lust:

Too late, Nightwing.

  
Comment on **Red Robin’s Lust** by _SuperDuperMan_ :

Stop this immediately and take this terrible post down! I expected better from you, Batgirl! And take down that story of me and Batman as well!

  
Comment on **Red Robin’s Lust** by _Anonymous_ :

Get back to work, all of you.

  
Reply to Anonymous by _EggplantHeroine_ on **Red Robin’s Lust** :

Right on it, boss man ;)


	4. Chapter 4

The air in Wayne Manor was tense. Tim attempted to ignore the looming presence of Bruce over his shoulder as he packed his overnight bag for his weekend getaway to the Kent farm.

“I don’t approve of this,” Bruce announced loudly. “None of your siblings ever had sleepovers, and they turned out just fine.”

“I ran away from your controlling ways and established my own superhero team in a different city,” Dick chirped.

“I died,” Jason added.

Bruce flinched. “Tim, under no circumstances will there any funny business, do you understand me?” He thundered.

“I get it, Bruce,” Tim muttered for what seemed like the hundredth time. “We’re going to have a picnic and patrol in Metropolis. No sex whatsoever.”

“Good.” Bruce snapped agitatedly. “I’m glad we understand each other. When is Clark going to come and pick you up?”

“I’m here!” Clark’s voice came from downstairs. The family went down to see Clark standing in the middle of the living room, looking as agitated as Bruce. “Are you ready, Tim?”

“All packed,” Tim said, hefting his bag over his shoulder. He walked over to Clark and grabbed hold of his arm, and paused when Clark looked down pityingly at him. “What’s the matter?”

“Oh, Tim,” Clark fretted, “I don’t think that this is a good idea.”

“Thank you!” Bruce said.

“Why not?” Tim asked, feeling hurt. “Don’t you think that I’m good enough for Kon?”

“It’s not that, Tim,” Clark said hurriedly. He took Tim’s delicate hand in his own large one and looked conflicted. “You’re so small, and fragile, and I don’t want Kon to hurt you. He might lose himself in the heat of the moment and it would just wreck us if something were to happen to you.”

Tim smiled understandingly. “Clark, I trust Kon,” he said softly, “and I can take care of myself.”

“He doesn’t know his own strength,” Clark pleaded, “and he’ll hurt you!”

“Clark,” Tim said sternly, emulating Bruce’s tone to great effect, “Kon isn’t going to hurt me.”

“That’s what everyone thinks in the beginning,” Clark said wretchedly, “but it’s not always like that, Tim. It isn’t as easy as you think it’s going to be.”

Tim paused and looked at Clark’s kicked puppy expression before the pieces started to fall into place. “Clark,” Tim said, “are you saying that Kon has a big one?”

Bruce looked like he was going to faint, while Dick started to pray for mercy in his mother tongue. Jason on the other hand suddenly started to pay attention. “Is it hereditary?”

Clark looked disturbed. “Lois didn’t talk to me for a week after the first time,” he confessed. “Tim, I’m just looking out for your best interests.”

“It can’t be that big,” Tim said doubtfully.

“It is,” Bruce grunted.

“Bruce you dirty, filthy, slut,” Jason grinned evilly.

“I saw Clark’s in the changing rooms,” Bruce replied evenly. “Also, how dare you call your own father a slut! You’re grounded.”

“I died,” Jason countered.

“You can’t use that as an excuse every time, little wing,” Dick scolded.

Bruce turned back to the more pressing situation of preserving his teenage son’s anal health, leaving Dick and Jason to hash out the technicalities of death. “Tim, please. For everyone’s peace of mind, you should invest in a chastity ring.”

“Okay, that’s it!” Tim thundered. “I don’t know why everyone is so intent on protecting my anus-“

“Oh my!” Clark cried.

“-but Kon and I aren’t going to have sex! We aren’t at that point in our relationship, and I think that we’re capable of talking about it when we want to! Now, was there anything else?”

Everyone shook their head, cowed by Tim’s commanding tone of voice. “Have a nice weekend, Tim,” Bruce said finally.

Tim beamed.  
…………………………………

 

_**Kent Farm** _

 

“Kon?”

“Hmm?”

“How big is it?”

Kon looked up. “How big is what?”

“Your thingy,” Tim said, gesturing vaguely at his boyfriend’s crotch. “Everyone was really scared for my butt health.”

Kon snuck a peek down his pants. “It’s alright, I think. But the only reference I have is Clark, so I guess I don’t really know.”

“Why has everyone seen Clark’s thingy?” Tim pondered aloud, crinkling his nose in distaste. “I live with Jason, who is a borderline nudist, and I’ve never seen his thingy.”

“Changing rooms,” Kon replied. “Also, I think Clark sometimes forgets that he’s not alone in the changing rooms. Comes from being alone on a farm for so long, I guess. You start thinking of other people as cows.”

“Why would you whip it out in front of the cows?” Tim asked, slightly disturbed.

“Hey,” Kon defended himself, “when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. And there aren’t any toilets in the middle of the field.”

“Fair enough,” Tim said. “Can I see?”

“My thingy?” Kon asked, gesturing at said thingy, “why?”

“Seeing as it’s going to be going into my ass in the near future, I think I have a right to know how much I’m going to suffer.”

“Oh, ok,” Kon said, and unbuttoned his trousers. “There,” he said, plopping it out. “Is it...ok?”

Tim studied the appendage for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, it’s fine. I can take it,” he said decisively. “The others are just lightweights,” he snorted derisively. “I mean, I have dildos bigger than that.”

“Really?” Kon asked, interested. “Your butt can sure take a lot of punishment.”

“I’m a bit of a masochist,” Tim answered.

“Is that a sex thing?”

“No, dear,” Tim sighed.

“Oh,” Kon said. Suddenly, he sat up and looked across the field. “Clark is spying on us.” Sure enough, Clark was sat in a bush a few miles away, his superhearing and supervision at maximum intensity.

“Shall we give him a show, then?” Tim whispered sultrily.

Kon grinned evilly, the Luthor in him coming to the fore. “Lead on, good sir,” he said, “and I’ll follow.”


	5. Chapter 5

Tim hesitated at the door to Dick’s room, his hand clasping the knob with enough strength to crush it. Should he? Shouldn’t he? Dick wouldn’t judge him, would he? Realizing that he was hyperventilating, Tim took several deep breaths in an effort to calm himself. No, he decided, he couldn’t ask Dick about this. He should turn back-

“Timmy, come in!”

Tim stared at the still shut door, nonplussed, before cracking it open to reveal Dick smiling at him. “How did you know it was me?” Tim asked, curiosity overriding his sense of self preservation.

“I felt you.”

Tim stared. “Okay, but you need to word it better,” he advised Dick. He entered the room, and to his surprise, saw Damian sitting cross legged on Dick’s bed, while Dick was assiduously applying green coloured mush to a squirming Jason’s face. “What’s going on?”

“We’re preparing for Jay’s wedding,” Dick explained. “Jay, stop moving!”

“No! What the hell are you doing to my face!?”

“It’s a face mask,” Dick explained, “it’ll tighten your pores and make your skin glow for your big day. It’s my mother’s recipe, passed down to her by generations of Grayson women right from great-great-great grandmother Leonida Grayson, who smuggled the recipe out of Romania in her-”

“Okay fine!” Jason huffed, “I’ll do it out of respect for Gramma Grayson. What’s in it?”

“Aloe, crushed ginger, lemon juice, kiwi juice, and Love.”

“You sicken me,” Jason muttered, but allowed Dick to drag his head onto to his lap to massage the mixture into his skin.

“I am addressing wedding invitations,” Damian piped up. “Do we have to invite Hal Jordan?” He asked.

“Umm...I guess,” Dick said after some deliberation.

“And Oliver Queen?”

“No need,” Dick said, “we invited Dinah, and she’s allowed to bring a plus one.”

“Ooh, good snub, Grayson!”

“Thank you, Dami,” Dick smiled, expertly massaging Jason’s face. “What’s up, Timmy?”

“I, um,” Tim hesitated, looking around for an escape, “it’s nothing. I just-“

Dick sat up, suddenly tense. “You’re feeling conflicted,” he pronounced, not unlike a Seer, “you have a deep internal turmoil in your heart that you want to express but you don’t know how. Speak your heart, Timmy, it’ll be okay! I’ll make it better!”

Tim stared at Dick, who was looking pleadingly at him. “Are you sure that you’re not a meta?” he asked.

“I don’t think so,” Dick replied carefully, “why do you ask?”

“Uh, no reason,” Tim said, taken aback by Dick’s sudden guarded response. “I just wanted to talk.”

“What about? Is it about what to wear for the wedding? Because I found this little polka dotted bow tie that you’d look so cute in-”

“Dick you boob,” Jason interrupted, “what did you want to talk about when you were seventeen?”

“I liked to talk about Bruce, and Barbara, and Wally, and you, Little Wing! I also liked to talk about battle strategies, and gymnastics, and fashion, and chocolate-“

“Okay, I give up. It’s useless to try and salvage your masculinity,” Jason grunted earning an almighty pout from Dick. “Timbo wants to talk about his boyfriend,” he said, leering at the younger man.

“Come sit, Timmy” Dick said, patting the bed beside himself. Tim sat down awkwardly, hyperaware of Damian sat behind him, making tutting noises as he crossed off names from a proposed guest list and seating plan. On closer inspection, Tim saw that Hal Jordan had been relegated to the table next to the loo, and that Colin Wilkes had somehow managed to secure a seat next to Damian on the family high table.

“Grayson, I have completed the planning,” Damian declared, waving the list. Dick smiled and checked the seating arrangements, nodding and making happy noises. Tim took that moment to collect himself, and rearrange his thoughts.

“This is good, Dami! And you’ve made the programme too! Let’s see,” he said, his eyes scanning down the list,

“Number one: Ceremony concludes, Todd is wed. Number two: The cake is cut; Todd and Father perform the father and son dance, followed by Dinah Lance and Harper’s pseudo-mother and son dance. Finally, Todd and Harper try to dance and fail.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know that I can dance a brilliant rumba!” Jason said indignantly.

“Tt. That remains to be seen.”

“Number three,” Dick continued, “people are seated. Number four: Todd’s best man’s speech. Oh! Who’s your best man, Jay?” Dick gasped, just realizing his oversight.

“You are,” Jason grunted inelegantly.

“Awww! Thanks Jaybird!” Dick cooed, and pressed a little kiss to the patch of Jason’s face that the mask had not been applied to.

“Ack!” Jason spat. “I’m regretting this already!”

“And who’s Roy’s best man?” Tim asked, snickering at Jason’s plight.

“Kori, who else?”

“Number five, Harper’s best man’s speech. Number six, people sway inelegantly to dance music. Number seven, I will woo Colin with my superior dancing skills and by treating him like the prince that he is. Good for you, Dami! Treat your man right,” Dick said, ruffling Damian’s hair. and earning a frog-like grin from the child.

“Speaking of which, is Kon treating you right, Timbo?”

Tim fidgeted. “That’s...um, kinda what I wanted to talk to you guys about,” he admitted. At once, everyone straightened and converged on Tim.

“Did you guys argue? Are you alright?”

“Was he unkind to you?”

“Do you need me to get the kryptonite blaster?”

Tim made to back away, but shrieked as Cass dropped from the ceiling to land in front of him. Her eye narrowed threateningly and she mimed shooting down a flying object that logic dictated was probably Kon.

“No! No shooting Kon!” Tim squeaked. “It’s just- we were thinking of getting...you know,” Tim blushed, “intimate.”

“Oooooooooo-“

“Shut up, Jay,” Tim mumbled, his skin now resembling a fire hydrant.

“Timbo’s gonna get dicked!”

“What does Grayson have to do with this!?” Damian demanded. “Grayson, I forbid you to participate in this nonsense!”

Dick burst out laughing and tugged Damian into his lap, where he settled in with ill grace, making unhappy noises. “Timmy,” Dick asked, “are you sure? It’s a big step in any relationship.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Tim replied. “I think Kon and I are ready for the next stage in our relationship. I trust him, you know? He would never knowingly hurt me, and even if one of us did, we’d work on it and come out stronger.”

Dick beamed. “I’m so glad to hear you say that,” he said. “It was just a while ago that you were so...fragile. It makes me so glad that you’re feeling confident in yourself and in your abilities again.”

Tim smiled shyly and ducked his head. It was true, he realized. A year ago, he had been in a terrible place - mourning his father, unsure of his place in the family and in the world. With Kon, things seemed easier, because deep down, he knew that he and Kon were each other’s home base. Touchstones, to remind themselves that their relationship was the result of years of friendship, teamwork, and perseverance.

“I love him,” Tim admitted. “Our relationship reminds me that I’m capable of good things. And that together, we make a heck of a team.”

“Aww, Timmy, that’s so sweet,” Dick cooed.

Cassandra nudged Tim and fixed him with a serious stare. Without taking her eyes away from his, she joined her hands and slowly widened the gap between them. Tim realized what she wa getting at, and allowed the space to widen, stopping them after a while.

Jason stared at the distance between Cass’ hands in awe. “Holy hell Tim,” he whispered, “are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Tim said. “He showed me.”

“And you’re sure that you can-?”

“Definitely,” Tim said firmly.

“Timmy,” Dick said slowly, looking uncomfortable, “it gets bigger, you know. When it’s...aroused.”

Tim took a deep, fortifying breath. “I know,” he said. “I know. And I can do it. I just want to know how to do it so that we can enjoy ourselves.”

Jason sat up at attention. “This is my calling,” he declared. “Everything I have gone through, loved and died and come back for, has been for this moment. Timbo, my brother,” he said solemnly, gripping Tim’s shoulder, “you’ve come to the right place.”

“Are you teaching Drake how to fail at life, then?” Damian asked with faux innocence.

“Why you little-!”

Damian ran out of the room, cackling evilly, while Dick calmed Jason down. “It’s just as well,” he said, “Dami’s just a little boy. He shouldn’t hear all this now.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jason huffed, sitting down again. “Dickface, my mask is drying.”

“Come here,” Dick said, placing Jason’s head back on his lap, “I need to put another layer.”

“As I was saying, Timbo,” Jason went on, reclining langudily on Dick’s lap while he massaged Jason’s face, “you’ve come to the right person to ask about the fine art of anal penetration.”

“...we can talk about this later, too, Jay,” Tim allowed, “if you’re busy.”

“I’m not,” Jason replied. “Hey Dick, what’s making my skin tingle?”

“It’s the kiwi juice, Little wing,” Dick replied, “I also added some sugar to exfoliate your skin.”

“Good man,” Jason praised.

Tim raised his eyebrows in surprise. Not many men would feel absolutely secure in themselves to lecture about anal sex while getting a facial massage with their head on their older brother’s lap. But then again, Jason was a breed apart.

“Okay,” Tim said, sharing a meaningful look with Cassandra, who seemed to have the same thought. “So, what should I do to make it good for me and Kon?”

“Lube,” Jason said wisely. “Lots and lots of it.”

“But won’t it be weird?” Tim asked, “I mean, just putting it in myself before sex, it’s a bit clinical.”

“Not if you make it part of the foreplay,” Dick suggested. “Foreplay is very important. You can also use it to make sure that you’re completely stretched out.”

“Anal elasticity is important,” Jason added. “Always stretch before vigorous sex, kiddo.”

“Condom,” Cass piped up.

“That’s the most important thing, Timmy,” Dick said, “to make sure that you’re safe. Make sure that Kon is wearing the right size. What is he?”

“Ultra magnum, I guess,” Tim shrugged.

“Oh, that’s cool,” Jason said. “You don’t even have to spend money, then. Just take some of Bruce’s. And get the ribbed ones - he keeps those in the back of the drawer.”

“Little wing, it was you who stole Bruce’s condoms?” Dick asked angrily. “He used to accuse me of stealing from him!”

“Oh,” Jason pouted, “then I apologize...for nothing!”

“Bruce used to accuse you? How did you get him to stop?” Tim asked Dick.

“I told him that Wally was a medium,” Dick huffed, massaging Jason’s nose with unnecessary force. Jason burst out laughing, which seemed to calm Dick down as well.

“Wait,” Tim said, realization jolting through him, “is that why Bruce always smiles at Wally?”

Dick nodded, grinning. “It’s a pitying kind of smile. Wally doesn’t know that though - he just thinks that Bruce likes him. But I love my little Flash no matter what.”

Tim stifled a laugh at poor, unsuspecting, Wally. “So...that’s it?”

“There’s more,” Jason said, “those are just the beginning. You need to get to know your partner, their body, what they like and dislike in bed to get a proper feel of them. Give it time, Timbo.”

“Jay’s right,” Dick said, smiling serenely, “give yourself time to figure our what you both like. And always remember that communication is important. Tell each other how much you love each other.”

Jason snorted, “Sure, but don’t overdo it. I’ve heard you and Wally, Dick - it’s like Shakespeare in your bedroom. _Oh, precious Dick, how I love thy fine arse! Oh, Wallace, I love thee and thy medium-sized cock even more!_ ”

“ _Jason_!” Dick shrieked in horror, while Tim and Cassandra fell apart laughing. After he recovered, Tim shared a smile with Cassandra, who patted him arm comfortingly.

“Go and...get him,” Cassandra said. “Tiger.”

Tim smiled at his sister and slipped out of the room, leaving Jason to wax poetic about Dick and Wally, while Dick clucked like an affronted chicken.

Tim had some condoms to steal.


	6. Chapter 6

The post box in Titans Tower pinged loudly, signaling that the young heroes had mail. Those present converged around the mailbox with various scanners and flamethrowers, just in case the parcel was dangerous, and had somehow bypassed Batman’s own detection software.

“Geez, you guys,” Kon groaned, reaching for the parcel, “it’s from my dad.”

Kon opened up the parcel and drew out a gift box with a cheery card reading “Happy Birthday, Son!”

“Superman sent you a birthday gift?” Starfire asked.

“Superman’s not my dad,” Kon snorted. “This is from Lex.”

“Luthor sends you birthday gifts?” Damian asked. “Are you sure it’s not laced with kryptonite?”

In response, Kon opened the parcel and pulled out a GMAT exam prep book. “Of course not. He wants me to take over the business when he retires,” Kon said, rolling his eyes. He opened the card next, which revealed a hologram player. Kon pressed play, and watched Lex’s face bloom upwards in front of him.

“Dear Alexander,” holo-Luthor said, “many happy returns of the day. I will see you at four ‘o clock for the customary birthday hug exchange. I expect your homework to be finished by then.” There was a pause, after which holo-Luthor fidgeted noticeably. Then, “I love you, son,” he blurted out, and promptly disappeared.

There was a pregnant pause, which was broken by a snort from Beast Boy. “Dude,” he snickered, “Luthor loves you- ack!” he was stopped mid tease as Tim wrapped the smaller green boy in a chokehold. Kon shot his boyfriend a thankful wink before he looked down at Damian, who was tugging on his sleeve.

“Why did he call you Alexander?” Damian enquired.

“It’s dad’s name. He wanted to name me after him,” Kon explained. “So technically, I have two alter egos. Conner Kent, unassuming Kansas farmboy, and Alexander Luthor the Second, heir to Lexcorp holdings.”

“Wait, you’re rich?” Cyborg asked. “Ya know, I always thought that you were a swell man, Kon. A real champ. Salt of the earth.”

“Its my dad who’s rich. I’ll be rich once I get an MBA and take over the company,” Kon explained.

After discovering that Kon was not in fact rolling in money, his shallow, materialistic friends dispersed, leaving Tim and Kon alone.

“Your money doesn’t matter to me, farmboy,” Tim purred, sidling up to Kon seductively, “I have enough love for all of you - Conner, Kon, or Mister Moneybags.”

Kon chuckled and swung an arm around Tim. “I knew that I could count on you, baby. Although, there is one thing I wanted to talk to you about.” Tim looked up from where he was trying to burrow into Kon’s ample pecs. “I want you to meet my dad.”

Tim stopped nuzzling and fixed Kon with an unimpressed look. “You want me to meet your dad. Your dad who is not Clark.”

“Clark’s more like a distant older brother,” Kon said. “I only really put up with him for Jon and Lois’ sakes. Also because Ma would totally clobber me if I were ever to be rude.”

Tim stared at his boyfriend, who was looking down pleadingly at him. “Alright,” Tim relented, “I’ll meet Lex.”

Kon beamed. “How great is this? Two of my top four favorite guys getting to know each other!”

Tim chuckled and lay his head back on Kon’s firm chest and nuzzled. “Where do I rank?”

“You’re number one, doll,” Kon grinned. “Followed by Pa and Jon tied for second, then Bart, and then Dad.”

“I’m glad,” Tim whispered, running a finger sultrily between Kon’s pecs. “When did Lex say that he was meeting you?”

“Four ‘o clock, on top of Lex Tower,” Kon supplied. “It’s our hangout spot.”

“Its one ‘o clock now,” Tim observed, “that’s plenty of time to finish your biology homework.”

“I don’t have biology homework- oh,” Kon realized, as Tim undid his cape and let it fall to the floor.

“Chapter ten,” Tim grinned sharply, “is the mouth. Specifically, mine.”

Kon did not need further prompting and eagerly got down to work. He was, after all, a diligent student.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Alexander,” Lex greeted his only son with a small smile. He could feel his cheeks straining with the effort. “Happy birthday.”

“Hi dad,” Kon replied, floating over to hug Lex.

“Hi Mr. Luthor,” Tim said, clambering over the edge of the building. Lex’s eyes popped at Tim as the boy righted himself and waved at him.

“What, what, what?” Luthor demanded eloquently, and turned to Kon. “You brought this...skinny delinquent to our sacred meet up spot? Alexander, I’m disappointed in you.”

“Dad, I wanted you to meet Red Robin properly,” Kon said quickly. “He’s my boyfriend.”

Luthor stopped hissing like a demented snake and surveyed Tim with narrowed eyes. “You’re dating him?”

“Yes. He’s great, dad, and I’d like you to get to know each other better.” Kon turned his puppy-power on full blast. “Please, dad?”

Luthor was a man of questionable morals, a definitive sadistic streak, and probably some sort of narcissistic personality disorder. In spite of all of these negatives, his one redeeming quality was that he unquestionably loved his son.

“Lets try this again,” Luthor said, clearing his throat, “hello, Red Robin, I understand that you’re dating Alexander.”

“Yes sir,” Tim answered primly, “and maya I say what a lovely military grade cannon you have installed on the roof.”

“Ah, yes,” Luthor smiled, eyeing his cannon fondly, “my Super Blaster. I’ve programmed it to shoot at Superman whenever he flies past.”

“Inspired, sir,” Tim admired.

“I understand that you’re quite the cannon connesieur yourself, Red Robin. I was impressed by your miniature bazooka that you used last week on the space mission.”

“I have the full sized form in reserve,” Tim replied, pleased. “I showed it to Kon last week. I have it primed and aimed at R’as Al Ghul’s hideout in case he ever decides to get too jumped up.”

“It’s wonderful,” Kon enthused.

“Quite,” Lex said, smiling. “I think that we will get along just fine, Red. If I may call you that.”

“Of course, sir,” Tim grinned. He beamed up at Kon and latched onto his muscular arm. “I’m glad to have met you.”

“And I you,” Lex said politely. “Now, if you could please tell your hellion brothers to stop spying on us.”

Tim looked around and spotted Nightwing, Robin, and Red Hood on different rooftops. Nightwing grinned and waved happily, and Red Rood activated his sniper rifle, causing a red laser point to appear on Luthor’s forehead.

“How charming,” Luthor muttered, rolling his eyes. “Shall we retire to the sitting room, boys? I have some lovely bacardi that I’ve been itching to crack open.”

“We’re underage, though. It’s illegal,” Tim pointed out.

“Well, those are the perks of villainy,” Luthor grinned, and ushered the happy couple inside. “Shall we?”

Kon grinned and pulled Tim close. “Shall we, darling?”

Tim chuckled. “Lead on, dearest.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And...that’s all, folks! Thanks for sticking by Thirsty Tim and his horny journey! Stay tuned for the next mini-installment about Jason’s wedding.


End file.
